Every commute from the city to the suburbs, I find myself gazing out the train window with an enlightening gratitude and think about how when I get home I’m going to write about it. Most often, I get home, sit on my bed and fall asleep, mainly due to the fact it’s very late at night, or because I spent the previous night on the hardwood floor of my friends studio in Trocadéro. Although my hair smells like the métro, I have a banging headache and it’s 1:13am, I wanted to write this anyway.
I used to romanticise running away; I think a lot of people do. The idea of being somewhere completely anonymous and reinventing who we are. Before I left Australia, my mindset was the complete embodiment of this Matty Healy Quote:
“I think about dying but I dont want to die. Not even close. In fact my problem is the complete opposite. I want to live, I want to escape. I feel trapped and bored and claustrophobic. There’s so much to see and so much to do but I somehow still find myself doing nothing at all. I’m still here in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can’t quite figure out what the hell I’m doing or how to get out of it.”
My life was quite the blur after high school finished. I had nothing to believe in. I was waiting for answers, for opportunities, for new people to come into my life, for someone to love me, for my life to take an ecstatic turn, to be 25 and be sitting on a balcony sipping wine. I was completely dissatisfied with life. I was uninspired, lost, confused and completely beaten down. It felt as though life was actually incredibly mediocre and that I was existing for no reason at all. I found solace in music, but the days were still lonely and underwhelming.
Despite this, I always knew deep down that it wouldn’t last forever. I was just waiting for my moment. I’ve planned since..forever.. that no matter how I manage it, I will be able to achieve everything that I want to. And I believe and have believed that whole heartedly. I have manifested everything around me into my life. The friends i’ve made, the life I am living, the places I am going. It’s all a direct result of what I asked for. When I read ModSun’s book How To Make Life A Dream two years ago, I didn’t realise that the small changes I was making were actually going to lead to this very moment, my breakthrough moment, where I can look to the sky and be like damn, you did it. It worked.
Looking back now, although I do remember the sad days, all I can focus on is how incredibly blessed I have been my whole life. Despite the struggles, my childhood was filled with the most incredible memories, people and places. I look around and the smallest things make me happy. My gratitude for life is blistering. And looking back, it’s hard to remember how I wasn’t like this before.
I’m at the point, where I find it hard to fall asleep because I’m so excited about tomorrow. The fact that I get to fill my time with skateboarding around a 16th century village, strolling though Le Marias, sitting in Parisian cafés and dancing until 4am at techno clubs (lol) is honestly a dream for me. My life is a dream. I owe it all to following my intuition, doing things that scare me, pushing boundaries and most importantly, the law of attraction. Sometimes you can’t change your situation like I did, but you can change the way you react to your situation. Don’t be afraid to leave people behind, or a place. You’re not leaving, your expanding. I look in the mirror and can’t help but wonder how on earth I made it. I don’t need someone to love me back. I love me back. The freedom is overwhelming. I can do whatever I want with my life. I’ve learnt to let the space in front of me inspire me, rather than terrify me. I’ve come to realise that I don’t need something to believe in, because I believe in myself.